Jokes of the week

70 Years Young

When I interviewed for a job six months after my 70th birthday, 
I was asked my age. With nothing to hide, I replied, “I’m halfway to my 71st birthday.”

The interviewer looked skeptical. “No offense,” he said, “but you look older than 35.”

How Not to Get Hired

Going in for a job interview? Don’t mess it up with questions like these from real candidates:

“Can my husband finish the test for me?”

“Would you consider going on a date with me?”

“Can I place my desk near the cafeteria?”

“Do I have to be at work every day?”

What’s the 311?

In New York City, if you have a complaint or a question, dial the city’s 
311 hotline and you might get it solved. We doubt these callers did.

“Who won American Idol?”

“Can you check to see if my boyfriend is married?”

“Can I claim my dog on my income tax?”

Job Candi-dolts

Doing your best not to join 
the workforce? Just act like these job seekers did while meeting hiring managers:

• Candidate said he had to quit a banking job because he was always tempted to steal.

• Candidate said he didn’t want the job if he had to work a lot.

• Candidate called his wife to see what they were having for dinner.

• Candidate emptied the employer’s candy dish into her pocket.

• Candidate wouldn’t answer a question because he thought the company would steal his idea and not hire him.

Six Dumb Questions Real 
Lawyers Asked In Court

“How many times have you 
committed suicide?”

“Were you alone or by yourself?”
“Was it you or your brother who was killed?”
“Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.”
“Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”
“Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, 
he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

One Wish

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean, “In return for your unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you with your choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.”

“Give me infinite wisdom!” declares the dean, without hesitation.

“Done!” says the angel before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

All heads now turn to the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. “Well,” says a colleague, “say something brilliant.”

The dean stands and, with the poise of Socrates, opines, “I should have taken the money.”

A Bird Named Moses

A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” This time, he sees a parrot.

“Who are you?” the burglar asks.

“Moses,” the bird replied.

“Who the heck would name a bird Moses?” the man laughed.

“I dunno,” Moses answered, “I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

Happy Confession

A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says. "I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

"Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. "All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink the juice.”

"Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

"No, but it’ll wipe that stupid smile off your face.”

Facebook Love

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status “I’m getting a divorce,” he was the first one to click Like.

Coversation With A Customer-Service Representative:

Me: I have a Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer that is defective.

Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the exact name of the item. Do you have the box?

Me: No, but it’s the Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.

Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the box so we can have the exact name of the product.

Me: Hold on. I’ll run out to my garage and get the box. [Long pause ... ] 
OK … [huff ... puff] I have it. It says … Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.

Customer Rep: Thank you for that information, ma’am.

The Reader, The Writer, And The Lion

A lion comes across two 
men, one reading and the other 
writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps while a reader digests.

Missing Dog

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.